[CWIS'S NOTE] Up today I have a Q&A and some adorable pics from someone brand new to the blog: Josh, aka Pacifires. You may know him from Fetlife or ABDL.link. Get to know him a little better as you read through his answers to the Q&A questions. Thanks Josh!
Q&A WITH PACIFIRES
Name/Nick: Josh / pacifires
Age: 26
Location: Alabama, USA
AB/DL
When did you first realize you were ABDL?
The earliest memory I have of it is as a six year old. I was at my aunt's house while my mom was visiting her. One of my cousins was late to the potty training party so he still wore diapers. I remember putting one on and then crawling around through this small maze of tubes they had set up in their play room when my mom came looking for me. After that, my next experiences happened around my early middle school years. There were these brothers living up the street at the house on the corner that me and my brother became friends with. We had a sleepover one night and just as we were about to lay down for the night, the younger one was called into his room by their mom. His brother told us that he still wet the bed at times and had to wear pull-ups when he went to sleep. Just like that there was this spark of interest in my mind. Over the next few weeks I'd sneak off while at their house and stash a couple of them in my bag to wear to bed when I got home. That was the real beginning of my little journey.
Do your parents and/or siblings know about you and diapers? If so, please explain how, and how they reacted?
I was caught, or almost caught, a few times when I was younger. My dad found diaper-related stories on my computer. My step-mom found a wet diaper wrapped up in a plastic bag that I'd stashed away in a corner of my closet until I could discreetly dispose of it. My mom once came into my room to wake me up and nearly pulled my covers off of me while I was wearing nothing but a pull-up. I don't think anyone in my family actually knows, though. It's one of those things that seems to have been forgotten as a childhood phase because I got better at covering my tracks as I got older.
Have you dealt with the shame and regret that is the binge/purge cycle?
Of course. Haven't we all at some point or another? I've come to terms with this side of me now, but when I was in high school I felt an insurmountable shame towards it. I was even convinced for a short period of time that if I just ignored it, if I just buried it deep enough, it would eventually go away. I was scared what it meant about me. I was scared what would happen if people found out. I just wanted to be... normal. The thing is that I /am/ normal. There's nothing wrong with me because I like wearing diapers or drinking out of sippy cups. My only real regret is that I hated myself because of this for such a long time. This is part of who I am and I'm happy that it is.
How has this fetish affected your social life and/or dating?
It hasn't for the most part. I mean, there's the preparation that it takes to do it comfortably 24/7. Keeping a stocked diaper bag. Stopping what I'm doing to find somewhere to change. Being discreet so as not to force it on the public or accidently reveal it to people who don't need to know. For me, it's all about balance and being mindful of how I seek out the experiences I want. You can't let it overtake the rest of your life because, at least to me, that's unhealthy. It creates a rift between the person and normality that can do some serious damage to a life. So for the most part I'm just your average twenty-something guy. I drink. I work. I housekeep. I cook. I just happen to wear diapers instead of boxers or briefs and have a bedroom that could be mistaken for that of a kid due to all my little stuff laying around. My boyfriend knows about and accepts this side of me. I was so scared when he almost found out the first time, but I eventually just came out and told him. It was daunting to say the least. I was expecting the worst and he surprised me. He said it wasn't his thing, that he had no interest in participating, but he didn't really care because he liked me. He still doesn't have any interest in actively engaging my little side, but there's something that feels so good about just having someone who loves you despite something that most would find appalling. He's seen me padded and in the middle of a change. He's helped me find lost pacifiers and places to change when we're out and about. He even bought me a Paw Patrol sippy cup once for my birthday. I never thought I'd have something like that all those years ago, but here we are. Two years strong.
Some experts believe that we become the way we are because of traumas experienced at an early age, including abuse and/or neglect. Do your life experiences bear this out?
Not really. I don't think so at least. The most traumatic thing I experienced growing up was having a dad and step-mom who were incredibly religious and anti-gay for a chunk of time. They used to make me feel like absolute garbage anytime they'd find anything suspect on my computer or phone. That stopped shortly after I got out of high school because I made it very clear that I wouldn't let any kind of toxicity continue to affect my life or my mental health. Other than that, I've got nothing. I don't think I'm an AB/DL because of any past experiences or traumas. I think it's just a part of what makes me myself, y'know?
For the little dunces, please tell us about what it was like to discover this fetish/lifestyle on the Internet. Please be at least 18 at the time of writing, but be specific about what age you discovered it, what sites helped you, and keep this part PG for obvious reasons.
Let's see, I think I first discovered Deeker's Diaper Page when I was middle school. I was somewhere around 11 or 12 year olds when I mussed up the courage to do a google search for 'diaper stories'. I remember being surprised that I actually found anything, as if I was expecting nothing but a bunch of results telling me there was something wrong with me. It was a bit of a surreal experience, actually, discovering this entire community of people like me. It was these earlier experiences of reading stories and sightings and simply knowing that I wasn't alone that eventually helped me accept my little side. It also caused some trouble because as a kid I wasn't the most tech-savvy and at times I got caught with incriminating material in my search history. That was mortifying to say the least and caused a few big fights. Everything has its ups and downs, I suppose. I will say that I wish I had found better outlets earlier on as the one's I found were mostly sexual and I find that I most enjoy reading about and seeing other's experiences.
What % of your sexual activities and/or masturbation incorporate diapers? Has this caused problems for you?
That's a tough thing to quantify I think. I suppose it depends on to what extent you consider it incorporation. I definitely get a sexual surge from wearing and seeing others wearing diapers, but I don't really have any interest in using them for sexual activity in any form. I watch regular old gay porn for the most part. I have (mostly) vanilla sex with my boyfriend. And sometimes I get off to pictures of cute guys wearing diapers. It's not something that's necessary for me or something I do more than a small percentage of the time. I'll guess something like 10-15% of my solo sessions involve pictures or videos of diaper-related material.
If you get into the regression aspect of ABDL please tell us more about that. If you do not, and you have feelings about being lumped into a fetish involving it, explain how it makes you feel.
That depends on how you look at it. I don't ever mentally regress to a younger age, but I do frequently use little items and do little activities. When I first started being able to actively engage this side of me, I tried almost too hard to gear what I did towards the DL side. It was almost like I thought that made it /better/ in a way, what with all the residual shame and guilt surrounding it.
On my journey to acceptance I came to realize that I was still burying things. I wanted to do little things. I wanted to have a pacifier and use a sippy cup. I wanted to build blocks and play with my stuffies. Wearing a onesie had always been a fantasy of mine. It just got to the point that I finally gained the courage to try it. So I do get into the regression side of things in my own way, but then again I don't. If I were to pick a little age for myself it would be around 5 or 6 years old. I don't really like the idea of having a set age range, though. I just kind of do what I feel like doing and I don't think I need a term to define it.
Don't let yourself be limited by my questions. If you have anything else at all that you would like to say please feel free to say it here:
Well, I would like to say thank you to Cwis/Abysitter and every AB/DL who's shared their stories for others to see and get to know people like themselves.
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