Cwis's Note: Up today, I have an incredibly well-written Q&A from someone brand new to the blog, KineseCD. He's 20 out of The Netherlands, but he might as well have grown up next door to me - some of our experiences mirror each other, like garbage bag diapers. Kinese is a member of the generation that came after mine, so it's especially interesting to read about his experiences as a little nug just coming up during the same period I've been blogging.
I've invited him to contribute more here in the future - he's got a creative writing gift and I enjoyed reading this. Check him out on Tumblr for more stuff!
Q&A With KineseCD
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Name/nick: KineseCD
Age: 20
City/State/Country: Not very far from Amsterdam, The Netherlands
AB/DL/BabyFur/Other: AB and DL
When did you first realize you were ABDL?
I can't tell you the exact moment, because I don't think I had one. I remember having a really exciting dream involving diapers when I was pretty young (probably 4-6 years old) but I don't remember being very surprised by it, so they must have already snuck their way into my thoughts before that. At some point during primary school I remember Googling the subject of my thoughts and apparently having formulated that well enough to immediately find a website all about ABDL (more specifically 'infantilism', I think). It felt so wrong and weird I slipped into some sort of denial and I brought up the subject to some of my friends in a sort of "haha look at these weird people" manner. Pretty quickly I realized it was too embarrassing to even talk about and I stopped bringing it up, ever. Later on, still believing that I was not one of those weird people the websites talked about, my mother and I (read: my mother) made a costume of one of my favorite fictional characters and I managed to convince both myself and her that this character wore diapers, and thus, I spent a couple of nerve-racking afternoons with a folded towel in place of underwear hidden securely (probably not too reliably) under my costume. There must have been more steps along this way that I can't remember right now but the final step in acceptance and thus realization of me being one of those weird people from the websites may have been the moment I made an account on an ABDL forum when I was 14 years old. That's not to say that I accepted myself that way - it just means I no longer had any doubt about it.
What steps did you take to get your diaper 'fix' as a child and/or teen?
The first something was probably that costume I just mentioned. Later during primary school I put a lot of thought into constructing a diaper with a couple of impenetrable-looking paper towels that we had in the bathrooms at school. When I finally built up the courage to take any steps in that plan (feel really bad about myself in the process) I tested my theory and found out the paper towels fell apart when they actually got wet, stopping that plan from going any further. At some point later, I think between 11 and 13, the curiosity had returned to such an extent that I constructed a diaper from a plastic bag, paper, toilet paper, paper towls, painter's tape and glue (it was an impressive creation, looking back at it). I knew very well that this would not a single wetting without immense leaking, oh no, this diaper was meant for a much smellier experiment - that was the extent of the curiosity. When I was home alone I carried out my preparations and with a racing heart and trembling knees I messed my makeshift diaper in the shower booth. I stuck to the full plan I had had for months so after I was done I sat down on the floor in the booth with the diaper still on. At that point, I had completed the plan so, with much of the stress falling off my shoulders, I heard myself whisper, enthusiastically and without thinking: "I did it, I'm sitting in my own shit." Realizing what I had just said moments later marked the beginning of a period of repressing my feelings as I had not enjoyed the experience at all and felt like an absolute freak for what I had done. When the scar had faded and the feelings came back I signed up to an ABDL forum and got fairly active on the website. To this day, when I meet ABDLs in real life, some of them will still remember my username from how present I was back then. Writing stories and chatting with a few people my age kept me coping for a while, but then, about a month before my 15th birthday, someone I didn't know sent me a PM that he had gotten a pack of Tena adult diapers in the wrong size and he asked if I wanted to have them. Getting the package into my house stealthily involved telling one of my closest friends at the time, marking the first time I ever told somebody about these feelings in real life. This time around, though, my experiences where much more positive. My friend picked it up really well and I got completely addicted to the diapers I had been given, burning through 3-4 every week. To say I accepted my feelings at this point would not be true at all, but at the very least my interest was having a positive impact on my life apart from the insecurity and mild self-loathing. It would take quite a while for that to start going away, and definitely not quietly.
Do your parents and/or siblings know about you and diapers? If so, please explain how, and how they reacted?
My mother found some things throughout my teenage years but we never really talked about it. Very recently I had a moment one could call 'being caught red-handed'. She brought it up that evening and I decided that I was comfortable enough with the subject and my feelings that I could probably handle the conversation. I started off with making clear that it was something under my control that I did not want input on from her and that I would only tell her if she wanted to know out of genuine interest and not because she was trying to decide whether she approved or not. That took her maybe ten minutes but she finally managed to say she wouldn't try to compile a judgement. I told her all the basics of ABDL and what it meant to people and how the average ABDL teenage life looks. Later that evening she came to my room and told me she was glad we finally got to talk about this and she would like to talk more about it some time. I definitely feel like we got a bit closer that time. I didn't tell her where I was going every other weekend though ^^ I figured that was a bit risky and was NOT looking to get into an argument every time I had an ABDL party. Maybe some day, though.
Have you dealt with the shame and regret that is the binge/purge cycle? Please explain.
For what the shame and regret is worth, I think I've told most the important things about that already. Beside that, I have also experienced a binges and purges in the feelings themselves. I have gone for months and even years without a significant desire for diapers, but have also experienced periods where I could barely think about anything else. Now that I am much more active in the social ABDL scene (as a subscene of the fetish/kink scene) I definitely think about diapers a lot but when I was in a serious relationship I didn't feel comfortable doing anything without her knowing and I also didn't want to tell her, I went without diapers for over two years fairly easily. I think that may have to do with how happy I was and therefore not needing anything like diapers or stuffies to be happy.
For collegebabies/DLs, did this interest affect your college experiences? If so, how?
I am currently a student which means that I can use public transport for free during the workweeks and have a discount during the weekends. It also means I go to Amsterdam nearly every day. This has lead me to start visiting general munches at first and dedicated ABDL munches and parties later. Now, I travel all across the country (even outside of it sometimes) for all kinds of ABDL parties more than once every two weeks. Regarding the more focussed "college experience", though, it hasn't done much for me there. I don't really enjoy my bachelor program too much and am not really that close with that many fellow students. It doesn't help that I don't actually live in the city of my university, though. But, to summarize, no real direct effect on my college experience so far.
How has this fetish affected your social life and/or dating? Married life? Parenting?
In the last eight months (when I started going to ABDL parties) I have made tons of friends and met people that I respect immensely and I talk to them more than I talk to the friends I already had before all this. That is one very clear effect on my social life. I've also told a few friends about this side of me over the years, all of them responding with varying degrees of understanding and positivity. It has helped me get closer to most of the people I've told as the way I use this information makes it a sign of great trust when I tell someone. I have gone on one date with someone I met through this interest but I haven't really 'dated' anyone I met through it. I've been in one long term relationship in my life and I have told her, although a bit late into the relationship, after more than a year. Her response was, in hindsight, probably the least positive one I've gotten. She did her best to not show it, but I don't think she was very happy to hear the story. We never did anything related to ABDL and barely ever talked about it again before we broke up less than a year later. Apart from that, I haven't told any dates.
Some experts believe that we become the way we are because of traumas experienced at an early age, including abuse and/or neglect. Do your life experiences bear this out?
I don't believe so, no. I have my fair share of childhood trauma but I think everyone has at least one thing like that. It's not very hard to see a connection between that trauma and ABDL but it's a bit strange that I would develop a sexual interest in diapers (somewhat geared towards the submissive side of diaper-related power dynamic, and I think that's where it started) and have no immediate interest in stuffed animals (that aspect came much later and sort of clicked onto it), which is what the 'trauma' is related to.
Some people have pointed out their observation that a larger-than-average number of multiple birth babies (twinc, etc.) rep the ABDL lifestyle. If you are one of these, please explain what effect, if any, you feel this may have had on your ABDLishness.
I am not a multiple birth baby but I do think that jealousy or a need to share regarding the love of a parent may lead a child to develop the association 'hey if I need care I get more attention', which I can be a foundation for ABDLishness.
For the older generation, please tell us more about what it was like being ABDL before social networking. I will be looking for the perspectives of members in their 40s, 50s and even higher.
Not a part of that demographic ^^ but I can imagine the ABDL scene has been undergoing an immense tranformation since social networking.
For the little dunces, please tell us about what it was like to discover this fetish/lifestyle on the Internet. Please be at least 18 at the time of writing, but be specific about what age you discovered it, what sites helped you, and keep this part PG for obvious reasons.
I must have been around 7 years old when I discovered ABDL on the internet. Like I said before, it felt extremely weird at first, so much so that I didn't want to be a part of it. The tone of what I read was very analytic which made it seem like they were talking about mental patients. That site was a dutch site about infantilism which was apparently also a forum, which I didn't learn until recently. When I was about 14 I signed up with ADISC and a more popular dutch forum. I believe my ADISC account no longer exists but I still visit the dutch forum regularly. I only added fetlife, reddit and tumblr into the mix less than a year ago. The forum sites are all very mixed audience which means there's tons of people there who you will not effectively be able to socialize with. Fetlife, though, is much more like a social network, making it much easier to compose your bubble and have a good time. When I was just getting started with everything, the chatroom on the forum site got me into quite the number of creepy situations and I got in touch with a few adults looking for diaper pictures of underage kids too. It's an unfortunate reality but it was not at all hard to deal with. I have spoken a lot of people about occurences like these but it seems they were always completely fine with getting a 'no' and would not really pressure minors much, so these places were relatively safe. I wouldn't recommend even younger kids going on these sites, though.
Do your interests involve a subset of this community, such as babyfurs, diaper disciplinarians, wet/messy, sissybabies, etc.? Please tell us about it.
I won't even try to be specific here; just tell us what you think people should know. I enjoy the power fantasy regarding diapers but also think diapers can be sexy as hell in general. I'm not really into messing although it does of course have a place in the power fantasy. The rest of the deal is just too nasty for me, though. I am also an AB, which ties more into the relaxing side of it all, and it strangely also immensely helps me be confident. Diaper discipline also ties into the power fantasy so it's an interest, but I haven't experienced it yet so I couldn't say for sure. I do wet - it helps me slip into little space and holding it in pulls me out of little space. I am not too much into the crawling on the floor, going 'goo goo ga ga' and being spoonfed kind of things, but to each their own, of course ^^.
What % of your sexual activities and/or masturbation incorporate diapers? Has this caused problems for you?
I rarely ever find much arousal in porn, so whenever I do masturbate it's all on imagination. I do tend to reach for diaper related fantasies in those cases almost every time and on a practical side, masturbation happens either when I'm in a diaper or with a towel folded up in my underwear to facilitate as a 'sperm diaper', to phrase it as creepily as possible. I may have gone into too much detail already xD
If you get into the regression aspect of ABDL please tell us more about that. If you do not, and you have feelings about being lumped into a fetish involving it, explain how it makes you feel.
There is an aspect of regression here but it's hard to tell exactly what it is. People have told me that very few ABs slip into their regressed form more naturally than I do, and notably, the first time I did in front of others, I barely noticed it happening and it wasn't intended. Since then, it has happened around people that don't know about my little side as well, in moments where I feel very comfortable with the people I'm around. I get much more impulsive, say whatever comes to mind and either start jumping around or will randomly sit on the floor or on my knees on chairs. Those are the small symptoms. When I regress deeper I turn into a fragile little thing. I have cried when my diapers leaked before in the past, to name something. The exact mechanics of my regression are still being researched but these are some things I know about it ^^.
Anything Else You'd Like To Share?
For what it's worth, I'm also mixing my interest in photography (actually much rather narrative filmmaking but I don't think a serious ABDL film will happen anytime soon) with ABDL, of which the result is my tumblr, as well as my interest in creative writing, the result of which will hopefully be a full ABDL novel as an e-book and printed book, hopefully some time this year ^^. I think that's all I have to say, really. If anyone wants to get in touch, that's cool, feel free to message me on tumblr (https://kinesecd.tumblr.com/) , though keep in mind I'm not looking for casual sexual contact. That's really all, I think!
Have a good day, random person reading this!
KineseCD out ~!
CHECK OUT HIS TUMBLR:
Want to do a Q&A of your own?
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