[CWIS'S NOTE]: The following entry is a response from CuteBabyMikey. Mikey has contributing photos and stories to the blog for several months. He read Troy's story and had a pretty strong response, in part because of his own life events. Check it...
Guest Entry/Troy Response: CuteBabyMikey
So, I've never actually told anyone this whole story (not even diaper friends i've met or my therapist...though as i write it i'm not super sure why). I've alluded to it with many people and I mentioned it in my original profile on abysitter, but I never really told anyone cause I was too embarrassed by it. Troy's story, though, made me sad at how his parents treated him and made me want to tell my version of the same story.
Just to start, I'll say that I think my parents handled themselves much better than Troy's.
So, like many people reading posts on this blog, I was into diapers at a very early age. You probably did the same things as I did...wore 6 pairs of underwear at the same time (then realized that 10 was more than 6), stuffed tissues in my underwear to make it feel like a diaper, pinned up towels on myself to feel like i was diapered...you name it. I did things like this until I was about 12 and finally got up the courage to go and get some goodnites from a local drug store. Around that same time, I was discovering the internet for the first time...via AOL an an incredibly slow dial-up connection. What I was unaware of was that any internet browser stores a history. I simply had no idea that it could even be an issue. Well, obviously, it was.
To be blunt, I had been exploring porn online... I was 12 and was fascinated that this was all out there. First I found pictures of naked women and eventually pictures of men and women having sex. I started to realize that I liked the pictures much better when I could see more of the guys. Then, eventually, I made the leap to searching for gay porn. I was young, but I made excuses to myself to try to convince myself I wasn't gay. Eventually, I found some sites of guys getting spanked and read some stories on jimka's archives about them. Eventually, I came upon a story that involved a guy getting diapered...I was sorta floored. I immediately started looking for more of these and then found pictures of guys in diapers. I found the vangoo pictures and stared at a few of my favorites for a long time (btw, didn't actually realize they weren't really diapered at the time).
As I was looking for these, I also came upon pictures of younger boys in diapers...I mean, some of them were older then me and some were younger, but thinking about it now, it was clearly not legal stuff. But I was 12 and all I could think about was that I wanted to be diapered like they were...sad to think about now because I have no idea who those kids were or how badly they were treated, but that was what I thought when I was 12. Well, here's where the internet history comes in....
One day, my dad told me to come with him to the supermarket, just the two of us. I didn't really want to go, but he insisted, which seemed weird to me. We went and picked up whatever we needed to and then went back to the car, but he didn't start it. He turned to me and told me that he had seen what I was looking at online. He explained how he wasn't snooping on me but was just wondering what I was spending time online doing and was sort of shocked...I didn't hear anything after he told me he saw what I was looking at online. I froze. I was absolutely mortified. He talked to me for a while about what I was looking at and I can only remember snippets of what he said. I remember very vividly he said "There's nothing wrong with it, but you just don't strike me as someone who's gay." Now, I love my dad and thinking about it now, he was just in shock about what I was looking at and was confused about how to handle it. But what I heard at the time was something more like "I'd be so disappointed if you were gay." All I wanted during that conversation was to get out of the car and run away...I think I might have said 2 words the whole time...the rest was nodding and shaking my head. If I opened my mouth, I knew I would just end up crying. He also told me that he hadn't talked to my mom yet but that he was going to. He finally finished talking to me and then we drove home and as we were getting home he told me he's always there for me and I can talk to him about anything. I just nodded and ran inside to my room. I stayed there for a while and I thought it was over. I remember avoiding being alone with either of my parents as much as I could...I would stay in my room or make sure I was around one of my brothers...I didn't want to give either of them a chance to be alone in a room with me.
About a week later, my mom had her turn...she told me to come with her to go pick up my 7 yo brother from school. I remember being annoyed at having to go with her and that we were going so early. This conversation was much more emotional...my mom focused on a much different part of my internet history than my dad did. My mom saw that I had looked at pictures of other boys and got scared for my younger brother. She was more mad at me about it and I cried a lot while she was talking. I remember a few specific things she said, even now. One thing she said was "how can i trust you alone with Jon now?". That really hurt me cause I had no idea she was talking about. I was only looking at the diapers in teh pictures and imaging myself in one...but she didn't realize that. She also said "I dont even know what to do about this...I feel like I need to talk to a therapist." I dont know if she ever did, but that hurt me also...then she asked me if I wanted to talk to someone. All i could think about at the time was that i wanted this conversation to end and I never wanted to talk about it with either of them again. I probably would have been better off seeing a therapist for a bit, if for no other reason then maybe I would have been able to figure out I'm gay and come out before or during college instead of after. But i didn't. I just cried and hoped they would never bring it up again.
After that, I didn't look at anything on the internet in my house that I woulndt want my parents seeing...I tried to tell myself that i would get over it and I ignored everything in me that said I wanted diapers and that I was gay. I dated girls and, as far as I could tell, my parents were over it. The only time they ever mentioned anything about that incident was when I was about 16. My brother (now 11) wanted to use the internet more and my mom made a comment, which she probably didn't even really think about, to the effect of "not without us knowing what you're looking at. We learned that already, right mike?" I dont think she realized, but I turned tomato red, chuckled, and then avoided being alone with her for a couple of weeks.
Whenever I was watching tv or a movie or anything after that incident and someone in the show was gay or a diaper commercial came on, I would avoid making eye contact with my parents. I dont think they ever really realized how big of an impact those two conversations had on me.
Last year I started talking to a guy I met on rup. we eventually met up a few times and kept talking a lot online. we were talking at one point and I told him that I wasn't out, which he hadn't realized. He asked me "why not?" and I had no answer for him. That one question made me think a lot about myself and eventually came to the conclusion that I had to come out. I saw a therapist for a few weeks and she helped me a lot and then I came out to my parents and brothers and all my friends and they couldnt have been more accepting. My mom cried and told me she loved me no matter what and my dad said the same. But I still couldn't help wondering if they were thinking about the last time we had talked about the possibility that I was gay... but I still haven't brought that up with them again... probably never will.
Thanks for sharing, Mikey!
Anyone else have any thoughts to share? Can be on Troy's entry, CuteBabyMikey's entry, or anything else ab/dl related. Just email me. Be 18+. Thanks in advance!!!!! - C
