[CWIS'S NOTE] Part of the blog entry below is included in my new e-book, Tales from the Crib. I want to thank everyone who has purchased it so far - you guys rock. Proceeds from the sale are being put toward an ABDL resource project I am working on, and your support is very much appreciated. If you haven't checked it out yet, visit bit.ly/CwisEbook - it's 350 pages of ABDL-themed stories and photos, priced at $9.99. Thanks for your support!
"Cwis's Christmas Message"
As the holidays approach, it occurs to me: I think that we don’t take nearly enough time to tell each other how much we appreciate one another.
So let me go first...
But before that, let me begin with a question…
What is it about the sensation of warm, wet piss that we love so much?
Think that over for a moment.
Most kids can’t wait to get out of diapers.
Meanwhile, us – a tiny, tiny fraction of the human population – somehow falls in love with the feeling of a urine-soaked diaper?
And do anything we can to stay in them for as long as possible?
To never outgrow them, really?
What the fuck even is that?
We have our own language.
If I were to turn to you on the bus and ask, “are you padded” – you’d have no trouble understanding exactly what I am asking you.
“Listen for the telltale crinkle,” you might reply.
“Hmm, Cushie?” I’d probably wonder aloud.
“Dry 24/7,” you’d likely retort. “Thickness, bro. Nothing but the best in my stash..."
“Going to Teddy?” I’d inquire.
The other people on the bus would be like: What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Conversation?
But we’d get it.
Because we understand each other.
We speak the same language.
We are the only people who do.
We don’t realize that, of course, until we do our first internet search – “why do I like diapers” – and finally find out that we’re not alone.
But once we do, and we realize how ‘not alone’ we actually are, a feeling of relief sweeps over us.
We realize that we have a second family out there.
A community.
People who understand us in a way that nobody else could ever hope to.
Our secrets – and the connection we feel when we finally find someone else who speaks our secret language – is why the bonds we make with one another are so strong.
And, why the heartache is even stronger when one of those connections flakes.
That empty feeling is actually how Abysitter.com got started.
I readily admit that I began blogging for a pretty selfish reason: I wanted to stop losing ABDL connections.
I had seen signs that Aby.com was having trouble, and I questioned whether RUPadded.com could pick up where they left off if they ever shut down.
There was talk of mods being mean to users, and deleting them out of spite. DiaperSpace.com was also struggling, and ABDL accounts on MySpace were being deleted by the hundreds. If FetLife existed yet, we hadn’t found it.
So, between that and all of the binging and purging that was so common then, who knew if someone’s account would even be there if/when they returned for it?
So I reserved my Aby.com username, “Abysitter”, as a dot-com.
I’d already made some pretty powerful connections with people on the diaper sites, and lost them when they binged/purged or mods deleted their accounts – I couldn’t imagine losing you all if a site, or all of the sites, went down.
(For you little dunces, I’ll just say this: today our community is stronger than ever – in 2008 things were very different).
Anyway, I made an account on Blogger, and I advertised the link to Abysitter.com online a bit, and I started writing some stories.
Imagine my excitement when, days later – or maybe even weeks lol – I realized that someone besides me had actually viewed my blog for the first time!
Picture the look on my face, as I lay in an Attends and slurped on my bottle, furiously typing out my next story, knowing that someone would likely read it!!!
After a while it became clear I had at least two regular readers. Multiples!
I was super excited now. At least two people – maybe more, even – were making a habit of visiting abysitter.com to see what Chris had to say.
Soon, people were commenting. You’d better believe I was going all in, now. I was writing stories about personal stuff – going way back to my childhood, to my teen years, to my college days, covering everything.
Cwis was born.
Over time, those comments turned in to emails.
And the emails turned in to phone calls.
And that’s when I truly began to realize that my blog was more than a bit of ABDL entertainment for people.
Sure, some people probably came by, read a story or two, squirted, and merc’d.
But there were people my stories actually meant something to.
It turned out to be a lot of people.
You have no idea what that meant to first realize that.
I remember being in high school, faced for the first time with the realization that the boy I had fallen in love with – my bi-curious best friend – would never be able to fully connect with me.
He would never truly understand me, despite his best efforts. As understanding as he had tried to be, spending time on his own researching my fetish and even being willing to experiment with it a little, he would never be able to truly understand.
Mark could try to get inside my head, but he would never truly be inside the headspace.
Sometimes I didn’t know whether to feel sorry for myself, or sorry for him. But I was sorry for us, because everything about him was amazing, and yet I had this… flaw…
He knew I couldn’t get rid of it, so he tried to get into it.
I was moved by Mark trying so hard to connect with this, but deep down, I think I resented him. He had shown me as much love as anyone I’d ever known, offering to try this weird, perverted thing he knew that I had a strange affection for. His inability to enjoy it like I did should never have been held against him. But I was young, and stupid.
When I think back to how I felt, I hope my feelings didn’t reflect how I acted.
This was my best friend. His efforts to be the best possible friend anyone could ever hope for made me depressed when he was unsuccessful, and it eventually left him feeling understandably uncomfortable.
In a way, my resentfulness was probably driven by a latent jealousy of him. He was normal. I knew that he would go on to other partners he would make a full connection with – normal partners. Someone might one day ask him “what was the craziest thing you ever did to try to please someone,” and I would likely be the answer to that question someday. And then people would laugh. And that made me angry.
I still remember how I felt when I thought about it, with this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. It seems so stupid to me now, but at the time my inability to understand this part of me ruined one of the best friendships I will ever have.
Yet I do somewhat understand it. Because I remember how badly I wished I could give up diapers for Mark – and that made me hate Mark even more. Even as I thought about who would be the next important person in Mark’s life, I also had to be wondering if I would ever make that kind of connection with anyone, ever, in my life.
Years later, of course, I know the answer to that question.
This community has helped me form the kinds of connections that teenage me thought would probably elude me forever.
You guys, collectively, have connected with me in ways I would have never thought possible.
ABenjaminButton, who wrote me a ‘thank you’ note when he graduated high school. When he put that I was his “big bro” on FetLife, that meant a lot to me. You know someone is a true friend when they hit you up about your health, and other things that have nothing to do with this, more than they do about diaper-related stuff. Not very many people have made the ‘cottage’ cut, Ben – glad you could make it twice.
Baby Spencey, and Daddy Paul, and Tyson, who made me feel at home at CAPCON, and hung out with me, making me feel like part of the community.
Hayden, who had the chance to hang out with a wild and crazy group of guys, but decided to chill with Cwis instead. I helped you with admissions essays, and I advised you on internships. I am very proud of you, no matter what. Thanks for always trying to make me feel needed.
Baby isaidno, who asked for help with his resume, and hit me up with questions about toll booths and rants about speeding tickets. It felt good to actually talk to an ABDL about non-ABDL things - people weren't doing that then. If I had known that things were going to be so rushed, I might have done things differently.
Champ, a prolific ABDL story writer who has made many contributions here, and writes meaningful stuff on his own Tumblr space. A long, late-night conversation at CAPCON was one of the highlights of 2016 for me - sucks that I was too exhausted at that late hour to really connect.
Javi, my eyes and ears on Tumblr, always linking me to the latest posts I might have otherwise missed. Thanks for your help with the foto contest.
My little Cunickistanian bwo’s – you know who you are. From hours-long phones calls with one to a birthday Skype session I’ll never forget with the other – and, now that I think about it, probably wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about – you guys rock. And I’m not even going to put an “eh” at the end of that sentence, because I love you like you were right here with me in America.
Nick and Ryan, a couple of locals in my new home area, who have met up with me and shared with me some very chill diaper hangouts. Relocating was a big move for me, and it feels good to be in a community that is so welcoming, without drama...
And many, many, many, many more.
Seriously, I could do a whole blog series just naming the names of the people in this community who mean something to me.
I’ve met many of you in person.
Others I haven’t gotten to meet yet - but the online conversations we’ve had, and the connections we’ve made, have made my life richer in ways that I can’t even begin to describe.
If we’ve connected and you don’t see your name in the list above, don’t even sweat it – I see you.
I once wondered if I was completely alone in my love for diapers. I questioned whether I would ever be able to shake this thing. I actually longed to be ‘normal’, to be rid of this facet of my life that I was so afraid would define my personality, my sexuality, and other aspects of who I am.
Fast forward a few years.
Being a part of this community is such a part of my identity that I can honestly say I couldn’t live without it.
Nor would I want to.
I am proud of who I am, now.
And let's be honest - none of that would have happened without all of you, those listed above and so many of those unlisted.
Another realization hits me on a regular basis, now. When I'm laying out on the dock late at night, in nothing but a diaper, staring up at the stars. When I'm rolling around with new diaper friends, swapping growing-up-ABDL stories. Or just when I'm scrolling through hours worth of hot AF Tumblr content... and that realization is this:
I fucking love diapers, yo.
Not just for how I feel when I’m hanging out with a little bro. Nor only because of how magical the headspace is that I’ve retreated to so often through the years.
Both of those things are amazing, of course, and I don’t take them for granted for a minute.
But the reason I love diapers the most is because there’s this amazing community, filled with thousands of people, who – let’s be honest – probably wouldn’t even be a community without them.
The one connection in all of our lives is diapers.
So yes, I’ll readily admit it: sometimes I find myself laying with my face on a stunning padded ass, and what am I thinking about? I'm thinking about how lucky I am to be ABDL.
Lucky because, for want of this little garment of plastic-backed absorbency, I wouldn’t have had many of the experiences that I've had.
I probably wouldn't know most of you.
And, for want of those relationships, and all of you, my life would be a fraction as full as it is today.
No, sir, this stinking, piss-stained piece of terrycloth covered in some sort of yellowing plastic or vinyl - as objectionable as it may be to most of society by our age - has somehow remained important – imperative, even – in my life.
And, if you're reading this, I'm assuming also in yours.
They are the singular thing that has helped us forge connections with people we would likely never have met otherwise.
Without diapers – the same diapers most kids can’t wait to be done with – how fucking ordinary would all of our lives be?
Imagine all we would have missed out on.
Some of the most amazing people to ever enter my life have entered it wearing a Bambino or a Dry 24/7. And I’ve changed many of them. Hopefully for the better, hehe.
You folks are my padded family, and my life wouldn’t be the same without you.
So as the holidays approach, it occurs to me, again: I think that we don’t take nearly enough time to tell one another how much we appreciate one another.
So, now, let me be the one to begin.
I appreciate you.
All of you.
I want to thank each of you for riding with me these past eight years.
You contest entrants, and contest sponsors, and contest voters.
You guest entry writers.
You diaper models sending in so many adorable pictures.
You Q&A answerers.
And, last but not least, you blog readers.
All of you.
It has been an amazing journey, and if you have been a part of it in any way whatsoever, I thank you.
I mean that... thank you.
I remember how I once wanted so desperately to change one thing about me more than anything else.
Because of this community, though, I’m left wanting to change one thing more than anything else – and while it is the same thing, it has such a different meaning now.
I think you probably know what I mean.
You guys did that.
You made me feel normal, and then some of you took it a step above that, and you made me feel like I was really worth something.
That is what we do for each other in this community.
So please… find someone who has made you feel worth something, and let them know.
Don’t wait.
And please, keep doing it. Never stop doing it.
So proud to be an ABDL. So proud to be a part of this community.
Love you all,
