Sometimes a purge is more than just a purge...

ANTISOCIAL

PERSONALITY DISORDER

I suffer from depression, seasonal affective disorder, and anxiety. I've talked about my own issues with separation anxiety in this blog in the past. So I know that mental disorders exist, even if I'm not someone who typically puts a lot of stock in the armchair psychologists like my straight/vanilla friend, Will, who continuously calls me to explain how some book he's read or some article he's seen on Facebook completely explains why none of his relationships work: it's because the other person is a narcissist, or some other personality type. (It's never just because Will sucks with women lol). 

But I recently read something that, taken into context with something a friend told me about himself, made something click inside my mind. So I did a little research. And what I found was... Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to manipulate or treat others harshly or with callous indifference. They typically show no guilt or remorse for their behavior.

Individuals with antisocial personality disorder may lie, or behave violently or impulsively. Because of these characteristics, people with this disorder typically can't fulfill responsibilities related to family, work or school. 

• Disregard for right and wrong
• Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
• Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others
• A disregard for the feelings of others
• Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
• Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
• Repeatedly violating the rights of others through dishonesty
• Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
• Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others
• Poor relationships
• Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them

I've run into a few people in our community who display some or all of these behaviors. But until I read something that explained what Antisocial Personality Disorder is, I really didn't understand it. 

These tend to be the people who purge or disappear, often after taking everything they can from a relationship, or even a friendship, and leaving without a trace  They may come into your life in a flash and disappear just as quickly - or they may stay around for a long time, and then leave without a shred of guilt when the moment suits them. 

Often, the person who has been ghosted, broken up with, or left behind feels awful about it and themselves - and it can take quite a bit of time to recover. 

I have contributors to my blog who have up and left the community after being in relationships with what was likely someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder. One friend went through a series of similar relationships, enough to believe that he was the problem for quite a while, until an ex did the exact same thing to another person in our community. 

I've heard people in our community refer to certain people as the grifters of ABDL - people who are typically viewed by others as taking total advantage, seemingly with zero guilt. Consider: 

• An ABDL who travels across the country meeting new people, having lots of fun escapades, always promising to call - but who instead vanishes, blocking a number of his 'new friends' from all social platforms instead - while continuing to post photographic exploits with new people.
• Someone who pretends to be in a deep relationship with someone else, but who is really just waiting for his true desired relationship partner to become available, and who jettisons his original 'partner' like yesterday's trash.
• Someone who, while in a long-term relationship with another ABDL, continuously takes everything and gives very little back to the relationship, especially in terms of financial help and support; this same person is later found to have been texting others the whole time about how little he has to work, and how much of the other person's money he's able to spend, something that goes on for several years. 
• Someone who pretends to forge a close big/little, DD/LB or DD/LG, or even romantic relationship, but really just needs a place to stay, and has no intentions of maintaining the relationship once he's found another place to stay. 
• An ABDL who appears to be trying to amass a record number of sex partners, but who has little use for those he's had sexual encounters with once he's done with them. 

I'm privy to the stories above because people in the community trust me, and share some of their lowest moments with me. Or sometimes because people become incensed when they realize they've been duped or taken advantage of, and they hope I will use my blog platform to use others. 

I don't put anyone on blast. But I include the bullet points above because I think people should be on the lookout for this kind of behavior. If you can spot it early on, it may help you make decisions about the relationship that you otherwise wouldn't. And even if you make the wrong decision, or don't recognize the signs until it's too late, hopefully understanding that you've been a victim of someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder will help you spend less time wallowing in the missing of that person, and more time moving on to someone who is deserving of you. 

I've known people in our community who display some or all of the signs of Antisocial Personality Disorder. They are some of the people I've liked the most, and as I've come to understand this more I've come to the conclusion that they can't help their antisocial behaviors any more than I can help being depressed, or having an occasional anxiety attack. 

But with me, you know what you're getting up front. I'll be the first person to tell you that I have had lifelong depression - I've blogged about it, and I talk about it often. And although I was once one of the people who foolishly believed that anxiety wasn't 'real', and told a friend with anxiety to try things like hot baths and meditation - what a jackass I was back then lol - I now understand the physical affects anxiety has, and if I'm having an anxiety attack I let the people around me know. 

People with Antisocial Personality Disorder, by virtue of the disorder itself, typically don't recognize the signs of it. 

Every once in a while one will recognize the signs, at least - and if they're kind enough to share them with you, you're likely to hear about it in the passion of an argument, or during a breakup. They may admit to using other people to get their own needs met but offer some sort of reasoning behind why they're that way. Or they may describe themselves as monsters, or worse, out of anger - usually in a push to get the other person to abandon the relationship. 

They aren't monsters. But something, somewhere, went wrong, and because of it - genes, environment, or some unknown factors - they are capable of seeming to be the most loving, caring people one moment, and being completely indifferent - or even just disappearing - the next. 

If you think you may be one of the people I'm referring to above, you probably are. Don't ask me. Instead, read the bullet points and decide whether a number of them apply to you. Or ask the people around you what they think. 

And if you're in a relationship with someone who fits the description, encourage them to get therapy. They're not evil - but they may be broken in ways they don't fully understand and are powerless to stop. Help may be available, but they'll never get it on their own. 

Regardless, if you get ghosted, broken up with, or worse, understand that it's likely that the problem really isn't you - it's them. Ghosting is rampant in our community, and while it usually doesn't have a negative effect on others, I hear about some of the cases where it does. People with Antisocial Personality Disorder are the perfect candidates to ghost, and they are likely to be the ones to come back into the community at full force, without showing a shred of remorse for the people they've hurt.  Sometimes a purge really is more than a purge - sometimes it's mental illness. 

I promise not to spend too much time on armchair psychology on this blog. But a few stories I've heard recently, and some realizations I've come to on my own, made me want to jot this down. Hope it helps someone.